I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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