Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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