Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
