I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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