just tell him i said nine months
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
