I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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