I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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