my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
