How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
