You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
