Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
