last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
