just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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