So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
