I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
