The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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