i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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