Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
