Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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