Pregnant stripper...not hot.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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