She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
