Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
