whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
