My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just want nice things and good sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
