Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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