Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
