i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
