At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
