Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
