its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
