apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
