Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
