she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
