Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
