Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize
