My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
