highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
