i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
