I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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