tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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