I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
