I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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