Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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