He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
