Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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