so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
