I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mom said you looked used
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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