guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
