you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
