Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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