Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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