dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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