What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
