btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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