tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
